Transparency

So, Saturday night shortly after midnight I was in Walmart shopping. The store was (thankfully) nearly empty, and I chose to go then for that very reason. I went to the store to get food items that I was purchasing with WIC vouchers, and honestly I was hoping to avoid anyone seeing me using them. We have never had to receive any sort of public assistance before, and frankly, I find it incredibly humbling to do so. As I walked through the store selecting my "free" items, I felt conflicted. On one hand, I felt embarrassed that we are in a position of need. I have never in my life had to deal with financial difficulties like this, and I will admit that I never expected to have to face them. On the other hand, I also was continually reminded of how very grateful I am that these programs are available, and more so, that our needs are always met by the grace of God. Driving home I thought a great deal about pride, and specifically, about how pride prevents people from building real relationships.

I live in the South. People here are friendly. You would think there would be a sense of community and concern. Everyone here always greets each other with a smile, a "how ya doin'?"...but I really feel these are empty gestures, niceties taught to us by parents who grew up in a different time. Truthfully, I think most people are like me. They are on autopilot when they reply, "Doing fine, and you?" I know I'm so happy to get the lie out of my mouth and refocus on the other person. It's so much easier that way. But that is my pride. Pride and Fear...and it is blocking the path to the openness and transparency I long for in my life. So, I have been thinking a lot about this pride and fear. Also about honesty, humility and why it's so damn difficult to let other people in--to build true relationships instead of acquaintances. Because, we lose when we do this...when we put on our masks and smile and make nice. We lose the opportunity to share love and friendship and hope.