Can't connect the dots...

Too much time has passed since I last posted for me to connect the dots. The distance is too great, and frankly, I haven't got the energy to try. The sum-up goes something like this. First semester of nursing school was challenging in ways I didn't expect. It forced me to think about things critically, and to examine why I think, feel, and do things the way I do. It also pushed me to a point of self-examination about judgement of myself and other people. It was tough...but rewarding, and when I finished finals I was pleased with myself and confident in my choice to engage in this profession. December 9 to January 10 was a time of bliss. The kind of bliss that is the result of hard labor and reward earned. I enjoyed every moment of being at home with my husband and children. Ultimately though, January 11 arrived and the last 10 days have been some of the hardest I have known, personally, for me. Not for me and my husband...or me and my kids....just me. Alone. Trying to withstand what I percieve to be physically and emotionally torturous and overwhelming. I have slept no more than 8 hours in the last 4 days. I am give out emotionally, mentally, and honestly I am no longer sure the price I am paying will be worth it.

Around the end of December, a thought occured to me that I should try to read the Bible this year. By that I mean, the whole Bible. I have not done this before, and when it occurred to me as a fleeting idea, I thought "I should put that on my resolutions list for New Year". I'm not sure why, but the idea became unavoidable for me. It is almost a compulsion to read every day...I feel so very drawn to this activity that I can't rest despite my exhaution until I fulfill this need. So I've been reading 2 or so chapters a day, starting at the beginning (a very good place to start =)!) , and I am currently just finishing Exodus Chapter 10. What has occured to me this week is that Moses didn't want his job either. He didn't. He told God that He was probably looking for someone else. That is how I feel. I think something may have gotten mixed up along the way...maybe God wants someone else to do this. Maybe I heard the wrong message in the events that lead me to choose this path, this profession, this experience that is more than uncomfortable; that is almost unbearable at this point. It is possible....I am not the best at hearing and following where God is trying to lead me. Right now, I am just praying for strength, and some sort of peace about what I am doing with my life.