Today was the first Sunday of Lent. After thinking and praying I decided that instead of giving up something, I will begin to hunt for a church in earnest. I will be attending services at a different church each Sunday throughout Lent and hope to return on Easter to the one that feels like the best fit (hopefully there WILL be one). So even though I am not fasting, (one friend of mine said "so, you're fasting from staying home on Sunday morning?" haha) I am working toward a closer relationship with God in a way that will hopefully serve to deepen my faith and draw me closer to Him. So I began my tour of churches this morning (I'm thinking of calling it Lenten Tour 2010! Maybe a t-shirt is in order ;) ). I started at St. Luke's Episcopal Church, which is where I went to church as a child and where my husband and I were married. Due to a puking virus, the kids stayed home with Matt, and I enjoyed some quiet time, thinking about moving forward in faith.
Right now, I am moving forward in faith both literally and figuratively. Moving forward in the study of my beliefs, reading the Bible, seeking greater understanding of my God and what it means to be His. But also moving forward with my current path in nursing school...in faith that at this moment, I am here by God's will for His purpose. I will do the best I can to continue to do well with this endeavor despite my misgivings (as many of them as there are!). Also, I am moving forward in faith for my family...believing that God is using this time of hardship for good in our lives. May we learn the lessons He has for us and use them for His glory :)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Can't connect the dots...
Too much time has passed since I last posted for me to connect the dots. The distance is too great, and frankly, I haven't got the energy to try. The sum-up goes something like this. First semester of nursing school was challenging in ways I didn't expect. It forced me to think about things critically, and to examine why I think, feel, and do things the way I do. It also pushed me to a point of self-examination about judgement of myself and other people. It was tough...but rewarding, and when I finished finals I was pleased with myself and confident in my choice to engage in this profession. December 9 to January 10 was a time of bliss. The kind of bliss that is the result of hard labor and reward earned. I enjoyed every moment of being at home with my husband and children. Ultimately though, January 11 arrived and the last 10 days have been some of the hardest I have known, personally, for me. Not for me and my husband...or me and my kids....just me. Alone. Trying to withstand what I percieve to be physically and emotionally torturous and overwhelming. I have slept no more than 8 hours in the last 4 days. I am give out emotionally, mentally, and honestly I am no longer sure the price I am paying will be worth it.
Around the end of December, a thought occured to me that I should try to read the Bible this year. By that I mean, the whole Bible. I have not done this before, and when it occurred to me as a fleeting idea, I thought "I should put that on my resolutions list for New Year". I'm not sure why, but the idea became unavoidable for me. It is almost a compulsion to read every day...I feel so very drawn to this activity that I can't rest despite my exhaution until I fulfill this need. So I've been reading 2 or so chapters a day, starting at the beginning (a very good place to start =)!) , and I am currently just finishing Exodus Chapter 10. What has occured to me this week is that Moses didn't want his job either. He didn't. He told God that He was probably looking for someone else. That is how I feel. I think something may have gotten mixed up along the way...maybe God wants someone else to do this. Maybe I heard the wrong message in the events that lead me to choose this path, this profession, this experience that is more than uncomfortable; that is almost unbearable at this point. It is possible....I am not the best at hearing and following where God is trying to lead me. Right now, I am just praying for strength, and some sort of peace about what I am doing with my life.
Around the end of December, a thought occured to me that I should try to read the Bible this year. By that I mean, the whole Bible. I have not done this before, and when it occurred to me as a fleeting idea, I thought "I should put that on my resolutions list for New Year". I'm not sure why, but the idea became unavoidable for me. It is almost a compulsion to read every day...I feel so very drawn to this activity that I can't rest despite my exhaution until I fulfill this need. So I've been reading 2 or so chapters a day, starting at the beginning (a very good place to start =)!) , and I am currently just finishing Exodus Chapter 10. What has occured to me this week is that Moses didn't want his job either. He didn't. He told God that He was probably looking for someone else. That is how I feel. I think something may have gotten mixed up along the way...maybe God wants someone else to do this. Maybe I heard the wrong message in the events that lead me to choose this path, this profession, this experience that is more than uncomfortable; that is almost unbearable at this point. It is possible....I am not the best at hearing and following where God is trying to lead me. Right now, I am just praying for strength, and some sort of peace about what I am doing with my life.
Friday, August 14, 2009
7 Quick Takes--Back to School Edition
Here we go with my 7 Quick Takes of the week :) Thanks to Jen at Conversion Diary for hosting.
1. Today is Orientation Day for new Nursing Students. I am, of course, both nervous and excited. I am also a bit sick. I gave myself a 5 minute grace period for my hypochondria, then I took my temperature. No fever, just a nasty cough and laryngitis. I will assume this means the cooties aren't that bad. If I had fever I would not be going today, but since I don't, I plan to be there with my many questions :)
2. Today is my friend (and sister-in-law) Stacey's birthday. Stacey is a wonderful mom, fantastic daughter and sister, and an AMAZING friend! She homeschools three (very sweet) boys, keeps an immaculate house, is a great cook, and makes it look like she could do it all with her eyes shut and her hands tied behind her back. In other words, SHE ROCKS! If you haven't seen her blog yet, go check it out and give her some birthday love :) Happy b-day, Stacey!!!!
3. In honor of Stacey's b-day, several of my friends are going to see The Time Traveller's Wife tonight at the movies. I won't be able to make it to the movies tonight, but soooo wish I could. The movie is based on the book by Audrey Neffineger, and it is one of my favorite books of all time. If you haven't read it, you so should. It won't disappoint you.
4. Someone told me yesterday, "Blink and it will be Christmas." Usually, I hate thinking about Christmas before Thanksgiving. I am that person that grumbles about "letting one holiday pass before you start celebrating the next", but this year, I realize it probably will seem like I blink and it's Christmastime. I will likely be too busy to come up for air until Thanksgiving break--oh well, I will just have to hit all the Black Friday sales.
5. Last weekend was tax-free weekend here in Alabama. I sooooo love school supplies. It's probably unnatural how happy it makes me to shop for folders, notebooks, crayons, pens, and pencils....pure bliss! My sister, Jenifer, and I went together to buy supplies, and we had so much fun. We are such nerds ;)
6. My friend Kim at Beautiful Wreck is hosting a giveaway for a gift certificate to EcoStore USA. She has reviewed several of their products and given them the thumbs up. Now, I've known Kim IRL for a long time, and I know how skeptical she is of green products. I also know that Kim is a woman who tells things as they are -- for better or worse--so, for her to rave about them is a real compliment. You should go check out the giveaway, and the rest of her blog. She'll entertain you, and she may make you blush.
7. I was unpacking boxes this weekend, putting away books on the shelves, and I came across a Bible study book I had from 4 years ago. I remember reading it and studying the Bible--doing some writing and praying, though I wasn't sure I really believed all of it. You see, I was raised to be "Christian" meaning my parents took me to church and whenever we prayed it was to God/Jesus, but it wasn't something I really was connected to until the last 9 months to a year. I've always wanted to feel something with regards to faith, but it just wasn't really there before. Anyway, I was reading through some of the things I wrote, and it dawned on me that even though I wasn't invested in God then, HE was invested in me. I kept a prayer journal during that time, and when I read through it I realized that He has revealed the answers I asked for then. It didn't happen immediately...it wasn't like rubbing a genie lamp and having your wishes granted...but when I read my prayers, and looked at all the events that have directed my path over the last 4 years, His hand in it is so clear to me. In fact, I am even more assured now that the changes we've made and the path I am on is the right one. :) God is good--he loves us even when we don't recognize Him.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Random Tuesday Thoughts
I thought I'd join in with this week's Random Tuesday Thoughts. Still haven't mastered the button thingee. Oh well, here goes anyway...
My husband has been working his beehind off to get our hardwood floors installed. Ebony hardwood=GORGEOUS!!! I am so excited.
I finished my last prerequisite for nursing school yesterday--Chemistry. Pleased to report that I got an A in the class. The last class we had to turn in a paper on any subject we chose wrt Chemistry, and I chose to do Chemistry and Human Blood. I learned a lot and actually enjoyed writing the paper. We also had to do a presentation to the class on our subjects...I got 100% on my speech :D
My Zoe girl has long been a huge fan of all things pink. In the last couple of weeks she has learned the word "favorite" and is now having fun telling us all about her favorite things. She, of course, has declared pink as her favorite color. Since I am always telling her she is my favorite little girl, I asked her the other day, "Am I your favorite mommy?" She replied, "No, Daddy is my favorite." So that evening I told Matt what Zoe said. He asked her (just to hear her say it ;) ), "Am I your favorite?" She smiled, nodded her head yes, and said, "You my PINK!"
:D So Matt says back, "Well, you're MY yellow!"
Vicky and Baye are sick. Like, really, really sick. The doctor thinks they have Swine Flu. Please say a prayer that they will be well soon, and no one else will catch what they have.
School starts in less than a week, for me and the kids. I have orientation (or disorientation, depending on your point of view) on Friday. Looking forward to the next big step!!!!
That's all for now.
My husband has been working his beehind off to get our hardwood floors installed. Ebony hardwood=GORGEOUS!!! I am so excited.
I finished my last prerequisite for nursing school yesterday--Chemistry. Pleased to report that I got an A in the class. The last class we had to turn in a paper on any subject we chose wrt Chemistry, and I chose to do Chemistry and Human Blood. I learned a lot and actually enjoyed writing the paper. We also had to do a presentation to the class on our subjects...I got 100% on my speech :D
My Zoe girl has long been a huge fan of all things pink. In the last couple of weeks she has learned the word "favorite" and is now having fun telling us all about her favorite things. She, of course, has declared pink as her favorite color. Since I am always telling her she is my favorite little girl, I asked her the other day, "Am I your favorite mommy?" She replied, "No, Daddy is my favorite." So that evening I told Matt what Zoe said. He asked her (just to hear her say it ;) ), "Am I your favorite?" She smiled, nodded her head yes, and said, "You my PINK!"
:D So Matt says back, "Well, you're MY yellow!"
Vicky and Baye are sick. Like, really, really sick. The doctor thinks they have Swine Flu. Please say a prayer that they will be well soon, and no one else will catch what they have.
School starts in less than a week, for me and the kids. I have orientation (or disorientation, depending on your point of view) on Friday. Looking forward to the next big step!!!!
That's all for now.
Edited to Add: Added the art...yay me!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Transparency
So, Saturday night shortly after midnight I was in Walmart shopping. The store was (thankfully) nearly empty, and I chose to go then for that very reason. I went to the store to get food items that I was purchasing with WIC vouchers, and honestly I was hoping to avoid anyone seeing me using them. We have never had to receive any sort of public assistance before, and frankly, I find it incredibly humbling to do so. As I walked through the store selecting my "free" items, I felt conflicted. On one hand, I felt embarrassed that we are in a position of need. I have never in my life had to deal with financial difficulties like this, and I will admit that I never expected to have to face them. On the other hand, I also was continually reminded of how very grateful I am that these programs are available, and more so, that our needs are always met by the grace of God. Driving home I thought a great deal about pride, and specifically, about how pride prevents people from building real relationships.
I live in the South. People here are friendly. You would think there would be a sense of community and concern. Everyone here always greets each other with a smile, a "how ya doin'?"...but I really feel these are empty gestures, niceties taught to us by parents who grew up in a different time. Truthfully, I think most people are like me. They are on autopilot when they reply, "Doing fine, and you?" I know I'm so happy to get the lie out of my mouth and refocus on the other person. It's so much easier that way. But that is my pride. Pride and Fear...and it is blocking the path to the openness and transparency I long for in my life. So, I have been thinking a lot about this pride and fear. Also about honesty, humility and why it's so damn difficult to let other people in--to build true relationships instead of acquaintances. Because, we lose when we do this...when we put on our masks and smile and make nice. We lose the opportunity to share love and friendship and hope.
I live in the South. People here are friendly. You would think there would be a sense of community and concern. Everyone here always greets each other with a smile, a "how ya doin'?"...but I really feel these are empty gestures, niceties taught to us by parents who grew up in a different time. Truthfully, I think most people are like me. They are on autopilot when they reply, "Doing fine, and you?" I know I'm so happy to get the lie out of my mouth and refocus on the other person. It's so much easier that way. But that is my pride. Pride and Fear...and it is blocking the path to the openness and transparency I long for in my life. So, I have been thinking a lot about this pride and fear. Also about honesty, humility and why it's so damn difficult to let other people in--to build true relationships instead of acquaintances. Because, we lose when we do this...when we put on our masks and smile and make nice. We lose the opportunity to share love and friendship and hope.
Friday, July 31, 2009
7 Quick Takes
Happy Friday! My goodness this week has flown by...not much time left before things around here start seriously hopping. So here are my takes for this week.
1. Final grades are in for summer term, and I got all A's! I sincerely thought I would end up with a B in the English Comp. class. I wasn't a big fan of my term paper, and turned it in despite the fact that it was not the best I could have done. The problem was the subject. I chose to write about autism and the environment, thinking it would be good for me to read and study, since I have a son on the autism spectrum. Instead, it was really hard emotionally and led to lots of crying, so I basically just slapped something on paper and got on with it. Oh well, the teacher either didn't notice, or was especially merciful when grading. Either way, I'll take it.
2. It has been raining here everyday. Honestly, that is a really good thing...we usually have rain pretty much everyday (for a little while) in the summer. This summer though has been completely dry for the most part, leaving everything brown and thirsty outside. It's nice to have it back to normal. However, my kids are not digging the staying indoors, not going swimming part of the weather. Nathan (my oldest son) is especially not liking the grass growing so much--it's his job to mow.
3. I have been contemplating the possibility of a 12-step program for facebook. Seriously. Addiction is not pretty.
4. My sweet, darling baby girl CUT HER HAIR last night. A big clump of it, right on top next to her part. :( The worst part is, that the section she cut off, is the part I always rubbed while she was nursing...by the time it grows out she probably won't be nursing anymore. So sad. And yes, I realize that it may be odd that I care more about that than the way her hair looks, but I can disguise the cut hair.
5. I have been reminded several times this week that God is good, and His kindness and providence are sufficient to meet our needs. Unexpectedly this week, we have had our needs met, just when we thought we would break. Still hoping for a job for Matt, but we're taking it day by day, and remembering to have faith.
6. This weekend, my sister is producing a bridal show at the Saenger Theater in downtown Mobile. http://www.bisforbrideevent.com/ Bis for Bride is going to be an amazing, fresh, modern take on event planning for our area. I am so proud of all she has done. And seriously, my sister is crazy talented when it comes to event planning. Here is a link to her business, Marybelle's. http://marybelles.squarespace.com/ Check out her gallery to see her work....she rocks!
7. Does anyone else think the whole "birth certificate" thing with President Obama is weird? Why are people so upset over this? Yes, he is an American citizen. His MOTHER was an American citizen. Last I checked, that counts. Apparently some people question his legitimacy as President if they haven't seen the long form of a birth certificate? The funny thing is these same people were arguing against questioning Bush's legitimacy in 2000 after the fiasco in FL. Very strange.
That's all for today. Here is a link to Conversion Diary: http://www.conversiondiary.com/2009/07/7-quick-takes-friday-vol-44.html
1. Final grades are in for summer term, and I got all A's! I sincerely thought I would end up with a B in the English Comp. class. I wasn't a big fan of my term paper, and turned it in despite the fact that it was not the best I could have done. The problem was the subject. I chose to write about autism and the environment, thinking it would be good for me to read and study, since I have a son on the autism spectrum. Instead, it was really hard emotionally and led to lots of crying, so I basically just slapped something on paper and got on with it. Oh well, the teacher either didn't notice, or was especially merciful when grading. Either way, I'll take it.
2. It has been raining here everyday. Honestly, that is a really good thing...we usually have rain pretty much everyday (for a little while) in the summer. This summer though has been completely dry for the most part, leaving everything brown and thirsty outside. It's nice to have it back to normal. However, my kids are not digging the staying indoors, not going swimming part of the weather. Nathan (my oldest son) is especially not liking the grass growing so much--it's his job to mow.
3. I have been contemplating the possibility of a 12-step program for facebook. Seriously. Addiction is not pretty.
4. My sweet, darling baby girl CUT HER HAIR last night. A big clump of it, right on top next to her part. :( The worst part is, that the section she cut off, is the part I always rubbed while she was nursing...by the time it grows out she probably won't be nursing anymore. So sad. And yes, I realize that it may be odd that I care more about that than the way her hair looks, but I can disguise the cut hair.
5. I have been reminded several times this week that God is good, and His kindness and providence are sufficient to meet our needs. Unexpectedly this week, we have had our needs met, just when we thought we would break. Still hoping for a job for Matt, but we're taking it day by day, and remembering to have faith.
6. This weekend, my sister is producing a bridal show at the Saenger Theater in downtown Mobile. http://www.bisforbrideevent.com/ Bis for Bride is going to be an amazing, fresh, modern take on event planning for our area. I am so proud of all she has done. And seriously, my sister is crazy talented when it comes to event planning. Here is a link to her business, Marybelle's. http://marybelles.squarespace.com/ Check out her gallery to see her work....she rocks!
7. Does anyone else think the whole "birth certificate" thing with President Obama is weird? Why are people so upset over this? Yes, he is an American citizen. His MOTHER was an American citizen. Last I checked, that counts. Apparently some people question his legitimacy as President if they haven't seen the long form of a birth certificate? The funny thing is these same people were arguing against questioning Bush's legitimacy in 2000 after the fiasco in FL. Very strange.
That's all for today. Here is a link to Conversion Diary: http://www.conversiondiary.com/2009/07/7-quick-takes-friday-vol-44.html
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Coincidence? I think not.
Thirteen months ago, one week after Matt's accident at work, we bought a house. The house is a nice house--five bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a pool, out-of-date decor, but tons of potential and everything we needed for our family. Right around the corner, literally backing up to our fence, is a nice little church. At Christmastime, they put on a lovely Nativity scene and sang Christmas carols, very charming. When we purchased the house, and periodically since then, we've noticed the church and said we should go check it out ("might be the only church we could ever get to on time since it's in our backyard and services start at 11:00," we joked).
I am not a churchgoer by nature. I don't like crowds, especially not of strangers, and I struggle really hard with faith. I am a Christian, but I am NOT evangelical, and I'm pretty uncomfortable around people who are of the pushy "Got Jesus?" variety. But today, on a whim this morning we dressed the kids and went around the corner to the little church. We parked opposite our swimming pool in the parking lot, went in and the entire message of the day was on.......
"Trusting God in Times of Need".
Hmmm....interesting.
I am not a churchgoer by nature. I don't like crowds, especially not of strangers, and I struggle really hard with faith. I am a Christian, but I am NOT evangelical, and I'm pretty uncomfortable around people who are of the pushy "Got Jesus?" variety. But today, on a whim this morning we dressed the kids and went around the corner to the little church. We parked opposite our swimming pool in the parking lot, went in and the entire message of the day was on.......
"Trusting God in Times of Need".
Hmmm....interesting.
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